Is in her dark place

The past couple weeks have been trying to say the least. Working at four in the morning, doing school,not getting any sleep, etc. I have just felt so overwhelmed and helpless and extremely antisocial. I know that a lot of it due to having Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I have never had it this bad before. Thankfully Josh left a book at home on accident or on purpose, but I'm pretty sure something was telling him to leave it right in my sight path so I would see it. The book is all about S.A.D. and how to cope. I wasn't as impressed with the book as I wanted to be since most of his solutions revolved around light therepy, and that's what I don't want. However, he did have some good points on symptoms, diagnosies,and a few other treatments. One of the things he said was how negatively eating bad food is for improving your mood. So I quit Mountain Dew and started exercising and tanning again. I have felt awesome! I feel skinnier, more energetic, less sleepless, able to focus more, and I want to be around people again. It's crazy! I'm only tanning once a week and it seems like that's all I need so don't freak out you crazies. I did have a Mountain Dew today because I felt so sad.
My friend Tony that I dated like three or four years ago told me that he can't hang out with me or see me anymore because his girlfriend didn't like it since he just barely told her about our past. He can't forgive himself for our relationship we had forever ago. He can't let go of the past. And now I'm angry because I feel like after I had finally forgiven myself, he is pulling me back into the negative feelings. I kept thinking that if this is what happens when people find out about your past then why on earth would you ever tell someone?
After talking to Jocelyn about it, I was contemplating, when is a good time to tell your significant other about your past life? Is it sooner in the relationship so they have a fair warning of the baggage you carry, or later so they have a better understanding of who you are? I have decided later is better. I am not the person that I used to be and I want people to see who I am now, not who I used to be.
So I finally told my friend good luck with the girl and left it at that. He shouldn't have to have his girlfriend always wondering about our friendship and I shouldn't have to be reliving all of the painful memories.
Man it feels good to get that off my chest!

I'm gratefull

for my sassy mouth. I like making people laugh so you can imagine this comes in handy.
for my ambition, so I don't end up selling drugs to make ends meet.
for Gwen. She's the best!
For the arts. I love music and painting.
for clothes. Oh how I love you.
for my friends that are still friends with me even if I don't hang out with them during school.
for boys. Because they always make me think I can do better.
My boyfriend, Netflix.
for journalism opportunities.
for books since I get bored too easy and I don't want to be an ignorant hick.
FOR PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT EASY TO MAKE FUN OF THEM. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
For my pa. I luf him. And ma.
for Chris's sarcasm.
for Maren knowing me better then I know myself.
for Stephanie listening to every single stupid little thing that happens to me.
for Jocelyn's care and always knowing what to say. Even if it is a swear word.
for Josh's girl problems since I always know how to answer them.
for Alex STILL NOT WRITING ME.

Let's talk music

I didn't realize how much I counted on music until I wasn't able to use my iPod for two days last week since I kept forgetting to charge it. I was in H.E. Double Hockey Sticks without it. I listen to my iPod in my car, at work, doing homework, walking to and from class, while trying to sleep at night, showering, doing yard work, cooking, etc. I wonder if everyone feels this connection that I feel with music? I always have a song stuck in my head. I always end up singing or humming something if music isn't playing. I'm envious of the people with these incredile voices and musical instrument talents. I love the way that music makes me feel. I love that I can listen to a song that expresses exactly how I am feeling, calm me down, pump me up, give me a feeling that is so happy and content, even give me hope. There are so many songs and genres that create so many different emotions. Can I tell you my favorite thing about my iPod now that I've had it for 2 years? My Top 25 Most Played Playlist. Best thing ever created. I can listen to that playlist over and over since it's everything I love about music. Prepare for my current top 25.

1. Britney Spears- Gimme More (This was actually an accident. I left the house with this playing on repeat for a couple hours...)
2.One Republic- Apologize
3.lisa Loed- Stay
4. Miley Cyrus- See You Again
5. The Rocket Summer- Brat Pack
6. Linkin Park- What I've Done
7.Secondhand Serendade- Fall for You
8. Lady Gaga- Bad Romance
9. Aly & AJ- Potential Breakup Song
10. Lady Gaga- Poker Face
11.Hyper Crush- This is my life
12. Cascada- Everytime We Touch
13. Hilary Duff- Stranger
14.Framing Hanely- Lollipop (Remake of a Lil Wayne Song)
15.David Lanz- Christifori's Dream
16. Fefe Dobson- Watch me move
17.Good Charlotte- I Don't Want to Be in Love
18. Ke$ha- TiK ToK
19.Breaking Benjamin- The Diary of Jane
20. Goo Goo Dolls- Sympathy
21.Debussy- Claire De Lune
22. Ashley Tisdale- It's Alright, It's Okay
23.Cobra Starship- Good Girls Go Bad
24. Jimmy Eat World- Hear you Me
25. Kat de Luna- Unstoppable.

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Katy Perry- Teenage Dream
Lit- My Own Worst Enemy
Anberlin- Feel Good Drag
Any song of Fefe Dobsons
The Killers- Human
Glee remake of Journey's Faithfully
Brand New- Seventy times seven
Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, & The Used (Music will never be as good as it was when these guys were big)
The Moody Blues

There is a reason these performers are revered. They have/had talent, drive, and ambition.

STOP PDA

Do you want to know how much I get creeped out by couples making out all the time? Well get ready because everything I say is from watching people close to me.

Seriously people. Get a room. No one wants to watch you press your lips together in a "we're so in love and we're going to prove it to everyone by kissing each other all of the time" way. Instead of grossing me out with your inability to stop touching each other with body parts normally used for eating, please go to another room or contain yourself so everyone in the room can have a normal conversation with you that doesn't involve us avoiding making eye contact with you because we are so embarrassed for you. I don't care if you are in a new relationship/marriage whatever. I respect you enough to hold back, so maybe you could respect me enough to keep your tongues in your own mouths. Make babies on your own time. I don't wear revealings tops because I want people to be comfortable when talking to me, just like you shouldn't be PDAing the crap out of your significant other so people are comfortable talking to you. Respect is a two way street. This isn't England so please drive on the correct side of the Respect Road.

The end and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Glee

A few of you have been asking me whether Glee is worth the watch or not... This is why it's awesome....

1. So many funny one liners.
2. Awkward moments like crazy.
3. I cried my eyes out when I watched the last one with the heartattack.
4. They cover a variety of music, it's not just pop and show tunes, they do classic rock and some pretty good oldies.
5. There is a jewish kid in there with an orange jew fro.
6. Britney Spears.
7. The theme of the show is ultimately accepting others for who they are.

If you're not convinced, please watch my new favorite clip. I almost dies laughing at the very end.



I love this show so much!

Humane Society

Appearantly I don't communicate enough about what I am doing other than complaining about work. I started volunteering and the Humane Society again. I had such a hard time when I did it for six months a couple of years ago but I felt that need to start doing something productive and stimulating other then school and work. I still find it difficult going in there week after week and seeing the same cats over and over again until they get taken away for one reason or another that normally doesn't have to do with adoption. My ultimate goal is to be able to be an adoption counselor, but I'm finding the training and mentoring sessions very tedious and difficult to schedule because of work/school. Another depressing part is seeing how irresponsible people treat their animals and the reasons why most animals arrive to the shelter. It's mainly a moving situation but more often then not it's because of neglect. Breaks my heart.
So my average day of volunteering starts with me coming in and saying hi to the front desk girls and grabbing my volunteer apron. I mainly work with the cats and hardly work with the dogs because most of the volunteers work with the dogs and the cats don't get enough attention. I always sanitize like crazy. A couple weeks ago, some idiot, either a worker, guest, or volunteer didn't sanitize between kennels so they had a massive outbreak of kennel cough. Look it up. Not pleasent. So I spent most of the shift cleaning the kennels and trying to clean the cats eyes and nose and cuddle them so they are warmer and the fever isn't so unbearable. Anyway, I come in a see who is meowing the loudest and go take them into the aquiantance rooms and play with them for a bit. I normally do this for about an hour and then move to the unpleasent tasks... Making sure the litter is full and pooper scooping, water, food, fresh towels, fur brushing, etc. I try to see if the workers need me to help with anything, then I peace out unless I want to cuddle some more.
The down side to this is that I have to shower and wash my clothes right away or else Gwen can get super sick. I haven't been the best at keeping her up on her shots, but even if she was fully vaccinated, she would still be extremely succeptible. I also get pretty depressed for the rest of the day, but I think it's worth it, because my ultimate goal in life, besides being on E! is to be able to help drive for harsher punishment for animal cruelty and to find a solution of overpopulation of cats and dogs.
Lately, there has been a lot of talk to about registering convicted animal cruelty offenders on a list like a sex offenders list. I have listened to both side of the arguement and can see how this might affect some people negatively, I can also see how it will help deter more crimes and prevent further abuse. I for one would like to know if my neighbor has been convicted so that I know if Gwen should be allowed to go outside or not. I also might have a little skewed vision on animals and see them as innocent and defenseless as children. The down side of this is that punishment for animal cruelty is not as harsh as it probably should be. Each state is different on their laws, but for the most part, the awful stories I read about normally end in maybe a year in jail. Let me remind everyone that serial killers start out as animal abusers... Shouldn't someone who has a tendancy to torturing innnocent animals be sent to a correction facility to be rehabiliatated?

Anyway, enough of my rant, I mainly just wanted to say enough of the cruelty jokes, it affects me personally now.

The rumors are true

Although most of you haven't even noticed or don't care, I took myself off facebook. It feels so good to be wasting my time with other things like this blog or homework or How I Met Your Mother. I had a hard time not getting on ALL of the time for a couple of days, but was still super pleased with myself that I didn't cave and reactivate that stupid site.
Time for news.
still trucking along with school and getting more and more exhausted each day. I am taking Music Appreciation, which I loved because we listen to a lot of classical music, Early American History, super easy, Broadcasting, I'm starting to work with the college's television station already, and of course, that Health class everyone has to take. Only this time I don't have to have mom sign a form saying it's not okay to talk about reproduction to me.... Mom....
I've been debating a lot lately about whether living with Amy and her boyfriend who is probably permanently moving in around late October was the right thing for me. I woke up a couple of mornings ago and just knew that the right thing for me to do is to move out if he moves in or doesn't stop hanging around all of the time. I love Amy to death but I have a really hard time getting along with her boyfriend and I already feel like this is "their" home and not "ours." So I talked to the parentals and we figured that me moving home for another 6 months or so wouldn't be such a bad idea to help me save money and figure out work moves....
speaking of Target. The morning I woke up and knew I had to move out was also the morning I woke up and knew I had to quit Target or else I would always be putting it first before my education and I would be stuck there for the rest of my life. I'm not saying it's not a possible career for me, but I know that I can't work there anymore while I'm trying to get my education. So they just hired a new girl for the promotion that I interviewed for and expected me to train her... Huge slap in the face, but I feel loyalty bound to make sure that she is completely trained and that I find a job that will somewhat support me while I am going through school.
One of the main things I am worried about if I move out is that I will lose all of the friends I have made through Amy. They are such a wonderful and eceletic group of people. It's interesting to see the Mormon housewife talking to the whore of the group about recipes. I love it. But I can tell Amy is getting jealous of the attention that I am getting from her best friend because her best friend wants me to go to church with her and wants to help me through the "tough times " I am having... Girls. So Silly.
Anyway, still dating around. Same old same old.

Amelia misses

Watching Pokemon on Saturday mornings. Eating ice cream in the middle of the night. Eating out with my friends. Going to the library almost every night and staying there reading till close. Waking up at six for school. Wondering what my first kiss was going to be like. Going to sleepovers every weekend. And Colton. I hate breaking up.

Here you go

Still working at Target. What a surprise. They've taken it down to one team lead in Softlines so now I run the whole entire clothing department. It's a huge challenge and normally results in me getting frustrated with my team or myself. It'll be interesting to see what happens in my store in the next couple months. One of my friends got into her radiology program and so she'll be stepping down and transfering to the Orem Target to be closer to her house. They're also opening a new Target in Sugar House and we'll probably have one or two transfers up there from the Team Leads. So then we'll be down on head count in our store. I'm trying to decide if it's worth it or not to try for senior team lead. Then I would have Leader On Duty shifts where I would run the whole store basically, plus be over softlines. However, the pay increase would be substanstial.

In my personal life, after trying for a couple months to keep my relationship with Colton secret from my coworkers, it all came out in the past week or so. Interestingly enough, not many people care like I thought they would. It helps that he doesn't work for Target anymore, but it doesn't help that he thinks our relationship isn't going to go anywhere. Hence the drama rama like crazy with him. If I'm not ecstatically happy for one minute, I'm bawling my eyes out the next. I really really dislike dating. But I'm determined to make things work as long as I can, although hopefully he will wake up and realize how dumb he is being....

I'm going to go to school this semester for just two classes, meteorology and communications. I'm excited to see what I can learn from meterorology. It looks super interesting, and if that doesn't help me get a job/internship with a readio or tv station, I don't know what will.

Now, let's count our blessings.

1. Gwen
2. My Family
3. An incredible home over my head
4. A stable job
5. Supportive friends
6. Not physically deformed
7. A lot of different ways to entertain myself, books, movies, bike, longboard
8. A gym pass
9. School
10. the Future.

My weekly rant.

Pretty sure this job is draining my life away. I take naps every day now and go to bed so early. I drink a few Mountain Dews a day just to make it without killing someone. I don't know if the stress on my brain and body is worth the tuition reimbusement anymore. I feel so unappreciated even though I run half the store and run it pretty well. I am sick of dealing with girls and WOMEN who act like teenagers and fight and gossip all the time. I want to work somewhere where I don't have to wear the same thing everyday and don't have to babysit and train and yell everyday. I mainly want the bags under my eyes to go away :(

You!

Weekend Update

With Tina Fey.

Over the past few months, Amelia's life has been, to put in one simple word, Tiring.
You would think with no school and only working 40 hours a week, Amelia wouldn't be so exhausted. WRONG....

I've been attempting to be as productive as I can since I feel so guilty about not going to school, but it seems that nature is trying to kill me. I swear, it's one disease right after another. I've has random flare ups of my tonsils on and off for the past couple months until they started hurting to the point I couldn't swallow anything so I went into the doctor before my target benefits expired and found out I have strep. I was hoping to be completely cured by now, but I'm pretty sure due to my lack of caring for myself, it's coming back again...
On a lighter note, I started watching Lost thanks to my new boyfriend Netflix. I've gotten through almost all the seasons in about 1 1/2 weeks... Don't be too impressed. I'm so addicted to Netflix, it's almost tragic how much time I spend with that instead of a real life boyfriend. Speaking of males...
No. I am not dating anyone. I just can't get myself to actually try and make things work with anyone. I should think that is a positive attribute, right? I mean, who wants to be dating someone just because they want to be dating someone? I for one am extremely picky and I have a right to be. I think I might have a skewed vision of how dating and guys should be but I can always blame the media later on in life when I'm an old cat lady.
I'm still trying to find an internship that won't conflict with my job too much since Target is basically putting me through school. I've heard it's really easy to get into radio station internships, but television is a whole other story.
I also have more responsibilities at work now. They moved my coworker Rachelle up the front lanes and completely did away with the Specialist positions (Shoe Specialist, Jewelry Specialist, etc).Instead of of only being in charge of half the clothing section, I'm over all of it. That's practically half the store. It's only been a week of this new job and I'm already stressed. I have some conflicts with some of the girls that work for me, but I'm hoping they can either get over it and help me out or move departments because I run a tight ship and no one gets away with anything! Not even me.
I talked my roommates into starting to foster animals from the Shelter. I really wish I could get down there and volunteer again but gas is expensive and I get so sad seeing all of the lonely animals. This way I can help out a few at a time. I also gave up meat for lent and I'm hoping for good. I just feel so guilty when I'm eating meat. I know I'm being silly, but I love animals and don't ever want to be the reason for their pain :(
I'm also hoping to take part of this life learning seminar thingy that my roommate, Amy, took part of. It's kinda to help you understand your goals in life and start trusting yourself and other people... since I definitely need help with both of those. It's expensive but Amy was telling me that a lot of people donate and sponsor people through the workshops since it has helped them so much. I'll let you know how that goes since I'm excited to see what it's like.
I love my roommates, it's the perfect blend of privacy and hanging out. I love that I can just be by myself or hang out with them whenever I want, whereas before my roommates would make me feel guilty if I wanted to stay in my room. It feels like home I guess. Su Jin is an awesome cook and Amy and I like all of the same movies. It's just wonderful!

To end on a note of inspiration... If Gwen can open cabinets, so can you.

Milo.

Just the Rain

The Clouds
The majestic

Clouds
Storming

Lightning
In my chest
The misery of
The Clouds.
Rain dropping

So Loud
Rain

Hammering
The noise
Never satisfied
With just the

Rain.

Thanks a lot

For rubbing in my face how much I suck at making Gone with the Wind